According to the dictionary, a codependent is 'a person with an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.' I would change the word partner with 'any person.' I have a history of excessive reliance on any other person
to try and get my needs met, but especially people who I deem to be in authority.
I was the youngest of seven and lavished with attention. My home movies show me not yet one year old, dancing in the living room, the camera held by my loving dad. Then there is a five-year lapse of movies. My Dad was murdered 10 days before my first birthday. My older siblings began marrying when I was three. Then my mom met a man who moved in with us. I thought this man was going to be my dad, instead he molested me and continually exposed me to indecent language and jokes. My mother and her boyfriend were both alcoholics. I quickly developed the codependent traits of trying to prevent disasters through manipulation, people-pleasing and perfectionism. I started to learn to read facial cues. I became obsessed with getting approval. I thought that if I got approval, I would get what I needed and be safe. But it never worked. I became a straight A student to get the approval of my teachers. When I was 16, my mother joined AA and achieved sobriety from alcohol. It was suggested I attend Al-Anon.
I remember the hope of those early days in the Al-Anon program. These older women had a serenity I wanted. I settled on a close to home meeting which became dysfunctional. We became an ever-shrinking group and just talked problem. There was a lot of cross talk and advice giving. I found some relief in venting, but I continued to act out in codependent ways. I acquired some self-awareness, but I was still focused on the alcoholics in my life and blamed them for my troubles. My first husband drank heavily, but I told myself "I could handle it, I had Al-Anon." Over the years he was a handy scapegoat for my troubles. I had read Codependent No More but resisted Codependents Anonymous. I considered 'codependent' a label and thought it normal to blame others for all my troubles. I found a sponsor in Al-Anon but she told me she didn't know anything about sponsoring. I told her that was ok - we would figure it out. There was my self-reliance and self-will run riot. She was a mentor in many areas of my life, but I still didn't identify the behaviors and thoughts that were causing me so much misery. I coasted along.
My first husband passed away after 25 years of marriage. That same year my youngest went off to college, my eldest already at college out of state. For the first time, I lived alone. After several months, I started dating. I was looking for anyone to take away the pain and ended up remarrying. My sponsor passed away the year after I married. I had lost my job a couple of years early due to downsizing. Then my eldest became estranged, my youngest son moved out of state, and I encountered numerous conflicts in my marriage. I reached a new level of misery. I couldn't get my new husband to do what I wanted. This left me feeling like a failure and without a job to prop up my ego, I continued to spiral downward. I signed up for more counseling and joined more 12 step groups. I increased church activities and read more books. But I was still miserable. I tried retreats and Facebook groups to try and fix my problems. Finally, I had a breakthrough when my counselor suggested Codependents Anonymous. My desperation was enough that I swallowed my pride and found a meeting. I happened upon a Thursday afternoon meeting that sounded welcoming because it was a step study and welcomed international participants and teens. I called in and heard someone say she was 'recovered.' My ears perked up as almost 40 years in 12 step programs had never exposed me to someone making this claim. We were all 'recovering' or 'in recovery’. The way she spoke with humility and yet confidence and certainty gave me hope. I wanted what she had and called her.
I wish I could say I dove right into my step work, but the truth is I felt better after the conversation, so I decided to order the Big Book online and wait 10 days for it. In the meantime, life happened, and I felt miserable again. I thank God that when I reached out to my sponsor to dump problem, she asked me if I started the first instruction. I said the book was coming in 3 or 4 days. She advised me to buy a new big book right away. I was desperate enough to listen. I immediately started the assignment. I felt a sense of relief doing the rational work of reading and writing. From then on, I looked forward to doing the step work. Step 4 was tough, but I was advised to reach out to fellows when I felt desperate and ask how they were doing.
Step 5 was encouraging as I realized I was not a horrible person. I started to see clearly how I had been my worst enemy. People had wronged me in the past but what was hurting me in the present was my holding on to the resentments and acting from old ideas. Old ideas such as I am unlovable. Steps 6 and 7 were merely a matter of surrender. Step 8 was the list of people on my step 4. Step 9 consisted of drafting amends using a specified format and sending it to my sponsor. I made verbal amends when suggested and always created a new ideal which means how I was going to act differently going forward.
For step 10, every time I have a disturbance, I review the character defects sheet to see where my wrong is. I also write what it means about me in terms of old ideas. For example, it means I'm a nag. Then I write what the truth is, for example, I am kind. Next, I write what is my new ideal - how will I do things differently in similar situations moving forward. I conclude with turning to step 12 work - which is being of service. I learned I must practice first with the program and fellows and then my new way of acting and being (giving to give) can bleed into all my relationships. If I only do service with my family, it can quickly turn into codependency - where I'm looking to get something or setting up trades in my head. For example: If I cook a nice dinner, he will appreciate me. My service work looks like reaching out to a newcomer, giving an open talk, reading the big book, praying for others, listening to a Primary Purpose podcast, or hopping on a meeting and giving my number out as an available sponsor. I can also turn to actions like organizing my drawers or gardening - things that allow me to turn from my obsessive thoughts and be helpful. I remember I have two jobs 1. Stay close to God and 2. Perform his work well.
I completed steps 1-12 in about a month. It was important to work it fast because of the 'strange mental blank spots' the big book references. Before getting recovered, the cycle went like this - life got challenging, I used codependent behaviors to cope until I was so miserable I totally surrendered to God but as soon as it got better, I resumed my codependency. For example, I would engage in the 4 M's - Managing, mothering, manipulating and martyrdom. I was doing the step waltz - doing steps 1-3 over and over and never getting better. 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2 -3. But now having completed the steps, I have a way out. When disturbed, I do a ten, take action and move on.
Steps 11 and 12 consist of prayer and meditation every morning. I pray to do God's will and listen for his direction.
During the day, when I don't know what to do, I give it to God, relax and take it easy. I wait for an intuitive thought. I'm no longer running the show. God is my director. He is the pilot, I'm the co-pilot. If God is your co-pilot, switch seats!
I wake up excited to see what God has in store for me. I ask HP what I can BRING to the day. My life is expanding. Fear is diminishing. I am living out my destiny instead of trying to live everyone else's life. I have steps 10, 11 and 12 to keep me on track. I didn't get better and then sponsor, I started sponsoring right away and it's contributed to my recovery. It's a daily reprieve. If I work this program to the best of my ability every day, I get better. I will never be perfect, and life still has its challenges, but I now know that I can just be Lisa - be who God intended. I'm a beloved child of my Higher Power and just as my daddy watched me dance around the living room, my HP now smiles down on me when I put on my favorite music and have a dance session in the living room. Every time I dance with my HP, I feel a little more like myself. Instead of the codependent waltz, I'm striving every day to have that little dance party with God. I get to be happy, joyous and free.
If you are seeking help with hopelessness, misery and other symptoms of addiction, please consider joining us at https://www.primarypurposebigbookstudy.com/
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